It's 50-50 you'll lie in your late 40s

BILL ERVOLINO
The Record (Bergen County, NJ)
07-20-2003

It's 50-50 you'll lie in your late 40s
BILL ERVOLINO
Date: 07-20-2003, Sunday
Section: LIVING
Edtion: All Editions.=.Sunday

On Tuesday, I turn 48. Or, as I have recently taken to calling it, "30-18" - except on the Internet, where I am 42.

Turning 30 was a piece of cake, and turning 40 wasn't nearly as frightening as I thought it would be. But when you're pushing the Big 30-20, strange things begin to happen.

You start to look at yourself in the mirror a little too much. You start to ask people how old they THINK you are. You start to lie.

"How old are you?"

"Me? Oh, I'm ... 42."

"Really? What year were you born?"

"Huh?"

"Year. Year. What year were you born?"

"Oh ... uh ... wait a minute ... I know this! It was ... uh ... 19-something-or-other. Hold on ...'59? '63? '71?"

Lying about your age is never a good idea, unless you have your alibis in order and can add and subtract without using your fingers.

But even then it's a pain in the tush.

The first thing you have to do is figure out the year you weren't born and MEMORIZE it.

Then you have to figure out the year you didn't graduate from high school and MEMORIZE it.

And finally, you have to come up with fabricated answers to commonly asked questions, and, yes, MEMORIZE them, too.

Q. What's your favorite old movie?

A. "Gangs of New York."

Q. What was your major in college?

A. Reaganomics.

Q. Where were you when Kennedy was assassinated?

A. In my mommy's stomach.

If you happen to be pushing 50 and are in the process of looking for work, there's good news and bad news.

The good news is that a potential employer cannot pass you over for a job just because you're eight years older than his mother.

The bad news is that he probably will anyway.

You can counter this by trying to appear as youthful as possible during your interview.

Looking young and vibrant isn't as difficult as you might think. On the morning of your interview, all you have to do is cleanse your face, exfoliate your face, moisturize your face, get collagen injections, have your teeth bleached, have your eyebrows darkened, get a tattoo on your neck, and pull your pants down just low enough so that the interviewer can read the label on your underwear.

If you have hair, put some "product" in it and smush it around.

If you don't have hair, buy some. Or shave your head and grow sideburns. Or shave your head AND your sideburns, and have the tattoo on your neck extended to the middle of your forehead.

Lying on a rsum is never a good idea, but you're probably not going to get the job anyway, so don't worry about it.

For help with this, go to LyingOnYourResume.com; PhonyReferences.net; and CollegesThatBurnedDown.org.

If at any point the interviewer asks you an age-related question that you don't have a lie for, just smirk and say, "Dude."

When it comes to dating, lying about your age goes with the territory, unless you happen to be under 40 or a multimillionaire, in which case no one will care how old you are, what that thing is on your nose, or how you have managed to make the three remaining hairs on your head look like a big, shiny plate of spaghetti.

In the past, asking the age of one's date rarely came up in polite conversation. But in today's world of magazine personals, singles chat rooms, and Internet dating sites, age is right out there.

Well, sort of.

If his profile says he's "in my 40s," that means he's at least 48. People in their early 40s never say "in my 40s." They say 41, or 42, or better yet, 39.

If her profile says "late 30s," that means she's at least 42. If there's any reference to her biological clock, add five. If she says she doesn't want children, add 10.

If you chat online and tell her you're 42, and she tells you she's 38 and doesn't want children - guess what? You're the same age! If nothing else, this means that you will have several things in common. And who knows? You may have finally found the person you want to grow old with.

Well, sort of.

***

E-mail: ervolino@northjersey.com

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